I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
