He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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