I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
4 words: hood of his car
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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