Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
