I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
