You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
