I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
