She said her name was "party"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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