just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
