we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
