I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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