I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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