Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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