Soap is not a condiment
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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