dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
