made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
