My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
