I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
