I will die if light touches me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
