I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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