girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
