My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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