3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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