she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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