I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
