I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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