Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
