My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
