Will you blow on my dice?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
