Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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