Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
