Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
