youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
