You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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