Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
