He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
