a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
