I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
