someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
