Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
