her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
