my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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