If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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