Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
