He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
