people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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