I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
