$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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