you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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