Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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