Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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